You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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