All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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