Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
