M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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