now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
