overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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