You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
