i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
