turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
