I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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