I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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