But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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