My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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