it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
