Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
