she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
