I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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