I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
