Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
