I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
