I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
