I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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