anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
