I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
