I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
