you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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