Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
