is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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