That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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