Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
