I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
