Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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