I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
