so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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