There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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