Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I can't put those talents on a resume
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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