I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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