She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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