The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
