The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
