I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
