I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
