I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
