I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
