Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
