I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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