and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
