He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
