you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
