It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
