I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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