Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
