I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
