I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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