I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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