We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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